My first question: why hasn't UKIP disbanded now it has achieved its ends?
I can't begin to convey how I feel about the decision. I feel sick, sad and full of fear but that doesn't get anywhere near the depth and breadth of it.
I'll just focus on education, which was never part of the "debate" over the EU but there will be repercussions of Brexit for my grandchildren, two of whom have just started school.
When the next Boris Johnson-led more-right-wing-than Tebbitt government unveils its exciting new education policies in October, what might be on the agenda?
Here's my suggested curriculum:
- The full privatisation of schools via the multi-academy trust model, whereby SERCO, G4S, assorted arms manufacturers, Nigel Farage, Toby Young and the Murdoch* empire take the reins and rake in our taxes for their own personal use. *Journalist Anthony Hilton once asked Rupert Murdoch why he was so opposed to the European Union. 'That's easy,' he replied. 'When I go into Downing Street they do what I say; when I go to Brussels they take no notice." Both Gove and Johnson were employed by Murdoch newspapers. No possible connections to be made there, though.
- Adam from Manchester as Education Secretary. (When interviewed about having voted to leave, he came out with the immortal lines: "I'm shocked that we actually have voted to leave. I didn't think that was going to happen. My vote, I didn't think was going to matter too much because I thought we were just going to remain.") See? Who needs experts when "the real people, the ordinary people, the decent people" (Farage, N) (ie those who voted to leave) display such a convincing grasp of reality?
- The reintroduction of grammar schools - and, of course, secondary moderns for the vast majority of children. We clearly don't need no education when the masses can be relied upon to make the right decisions for us all.
- National Curriculum to be massively streamlined by removing all references and content related to experts of any kind. Small team of taxi-drivers (as long as they're not bloody foreigners) to draft new curriculum drawing on their vast knowledge of whatever was said by whomever they had in the back of their cab once. Co-ordinated by Andrea Leadsom.
- A new history curriculum, written by non-experts like Michael Gove, in which the UK, no, er, Britain...er..I mean..England...or Inngeeeeeerland is always best at everything, just like in the good old days before the EU when we were at war with one European country or another every century.
- Only boys to attend school. Education is wasted on girls whose job is to look pretty, clean behind the fridge and just shut up, alright? Not that we're like ISIL or DAESH or whatever they're called this week. Actually, "caliphate" has a bit of a ring to it, doesn't it? Goes nicely with "academies". "Multi-academy caliphate", anyone?
- No foreigners. As teachers. Or pupils. Or people.
- Geography to be revised so that any references to European countries or maps showing Europe are abolished. And Scotland. And London. And Northern Ireland. And Brighton.
- No maths, so children won't be able to challenge the fantasy economics pumped out by the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, one Gove, M. Office for Budget Responsibility to be renamed Team Gove. All other financial advisers and "experts" to be imprisoned. Sorry - make that "re-educated" in specialist centres provided by G4S and managed by Chris Grayling.
- Economics to be introduced as a compulsory subject. Curriculum to be written by Mike Ashley, Sir Philip Green and his lovely wife Tina, to whom all payments should be directed, via Monaco.
- Boys to leave school at 13, going on for degree studies at the University of Life What Never Did Me No 'Arm. Subjects to include "What This Bloke Down the King's Arms Told Me"; "What It Is, Right..." and "That Boris, He's Alright...Very Clever Bloke Underneath It All". Oh, and "Enoch Had It About Right".
- Reintroduction of corporal punishment and abolition of do-gooding Safeguarding policies. John Whippingdale to manage the roll-out of the policy.
- Abolition of Ofsted so that no-one can spot where and when it's all going wrong. To be replaced by a flock of sheep in every school trained to rebleat: "academies good - council schools bad" ad infinitum (see new Latin policy, below).
- Abolition of universities* to save the money that was supposed to be saved by leaving the EU but never materialised, oddly. *And the NHS. And all council-provided services. And selling off the Isles of Man and Wight to China. Money to be spent on more perks for pensioners and non-doms.
- No Turkish Delight to be sold in tuck shops.
- Latin to become the national language so that the PM can chat to anyone in his native tongue.
- 23rd June to become "Farage Day" in perpetuity. Children have the day off to go round their local community insulting any East Europeans that haven't had the sense to get the hell out of this doomed realm. The frog to replace the queen's head on all postage stamps.
- The terms "global warning"; "hottest (insert month or year) on record"; disastrous climate change" and "end of world nigh" to be excised from all text books to be replaced with a picture of a glowering Nigel Lawson.
- Michael Gove's Bible ("and he saw that it was good") to be removed from all school libraries and placed in a silver display cabinet in the foyer of every school with a massive framed portrait of the famously modest politician on the wall above. All visitors to schools to kiss the portrait.
- Public schools to retain the title of "public schools" to avoid any confusion. And retain charitable status, of course. Members of the public or children of anyone voting to Remain banned.
- Annexation of Gisela Stuart.
But, as the Leave vote proves, be careful what you wish for.
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